Anxiety over money and finances is very common, especially these days. If you’re worried about how you’re going to make it through this month, you are definitely not alone. This morning, I was trying to get into my locked office door and having no success. My coworker suggested trying to jimmie the door open with a credit card. When I handed her one, she said, “well, one that you don’t care about.” I said, “don’t worry, there’s no money on it anyway!” to which she responded, “I hear ya.”
Everyone’s broke. And it’s not even that money seems to fly away, it’s that it was never there to begin with! In 2009, being broke doesn’t mean not having any money, it means running out of credit.
I already have two friends who have declared personal bankruptcy in the past year. Many more are teetering on the balance.
The funny thing is, for every friend of mine who is freaking out over the recession, I have another who was broke to begin with! I have one friend who joked with me that we should write a book on how to survive the recession because really we live like it’s a recession all the time–stock market failures or not!
But enough of my musings. We want answers. Financial stress can be broken down into two pieces: 1) Fear of “losing it all” and 2) Just being tired of “not having”.
1) Fear of “Losing It All”
My Dad has this fear. Actually, many dads have this fear. The fear of if-I-fail-no-one-will-take-care-and-we-will-all-starve. Oddly enough, I have found that those who manifest this fear the most are the ones who actually have more (versus those who have less). My friend T, who has been down at the bottom of the barrel for a while, watching the rest of us cycle up and crash back down and cycle up again, does not possess this fear. Because when you are at the bottom, really, there is no where else to go but up.
Stress source: Feeling that without your money, you will emotionally or physically perish.
Stress relief: Realizing that this is actually not true–many people survive with far, far less than you will ever experience in your lifetime.
You don’t have to dip down to this level realize that you are okay. The key here, however, is “Okay.” You may not be fabulously wealthy all the time, but you likely will not be destitute either. You may worry about late mortgage payments, but you will eat and sleep indoors.
The Bible says, “See the lilies of the field. They do not toil or spin, and yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as one of these.” This passage (including the part about the ravens/birds of the air whom God feeds) is one of my favorites in the Bible–clearly I’m not enough of a scholar to have memorized the chapter and verse, and I probably misquoted the NIV, but the idea is there. Put your trust in something higher and you will be pleasantly surprised.
This is the reason that I (and Cat) don’t really stress about money. I know I will always have what I need–partly because I have been in very tight situations and money has come. Now, I do not doubt that I will be provided for, and my provisions will have nothing to do with my abilities or works. Rather all I have to do is ask and I will receive.
Before you shake your head at this premise, internalize it a little. You may be too afraid to try it now, but there will come a day when you have no choice–and you will think it is the end of the world–but it will pass and you will be fine. Then you’ll remember this and think, “hey, she wasn’t crazy after all.”
2) Just being tired of “Not Having”
Now here is something I can relate to better. Horrible consumer society has driven me mad with looking around at all of the things I don’t have. It is not even really that I need the things I don’t have, it’s just that I don’t have them or don’t have the means to acquire them. This is maddening. And stressful.
Closely linked is the awful feeling that one cannot provide someone else with everything they want to have. Parents feel this for children (even though we know we shouldn’t spoil them) and spouses for each other. This is actually a worse feeling than not having for oneself because we somehow feel that we’ve done someone wrong. Like we are insufficient providers and therefore inadequate people.
I have been feeling quite lousy lately watching my bank account hover the negatives and my credit cards cut me off. I know that most of the planet is going through the same thing, but I have my eyes plastered on that tiny percentage of people who somehow can still manage to buy the latest stuff, redecorate their homes, eat out all the time, and go on lavish vacations. I can’t even blame TV because I don’t really watch the stuff.
It’s more that I know it’s out there, and I want it.
…or want it again. The economic boom of the late nineties spoiled me. I learned what good cheese is! I ate proscuitto and things which probably cost more per pound than me. I never “wanted” because I always had whatever I thought of–and many things which I didn’t even think of until I saw them. The phrase of the era was “just get it”–said nonchalantly or vehemently.
So now that my house has negative equity? I’ve forgotten how to enjoy my life without a consumer bent. What do I do if my Saturdays are not to be spent mall-ratting or trolling Target? Actually I feel quite ashamed to be so far off-center. Being forcibly removed from the spending world, I now see the crazy imbalance that it is. I know it’s unhealthy, but how do I wean myself off of the need to “have” in order to feel abundant?
Stress source: Feeling ashamed or left wanting because of lack of money or material goods.
Stress relief: Recentering on the things that matter
A note on shame: Recently, I had to take my kids out of lessons because I could no longer afford them. I couldn’t even bring myself to face the instructor. I was (am) so embarrassed. I am ashamed that I did not handle my money correctly; I feel like I let the school down; I feel like my financial condition is shameful.
If you are feeling similarly, here are two thoughts: 1) It’s not only you. People everywhere are caught in tough places–many unexpectedly–by the current financial situation. Know that this mess is not entirely your fault (it may not be your fault at all) and that really, it’s okay. And 2) Your financial condition is never a thing to be ashamed about. Sometimes, now matter how hard we work or how much we save, we feel like we are falling short. Be proud of the work you do and the job you have. Be honest about your situation. Would you want someone who is in debt to you or who had less money than you have, to be embarrassed in front of you?
When I was little, my sister and I had a friend who had a house with a tin roof. Unbeknownst to us, this friend was very embarrassed about her home. When we got to high school, she would ask me to drop her home last–just so the other girls in the car would not see her house. My sister and I, on the other hand, lived in a home with marble floors and a chandellier. We never realized we were different…but our friend did. Much later, I discovered that she actually worried about this. My sister and I, however, Loved her house! We thought it was the most fun ever and we loved going there to play. We never thought anything was deficient about it and we loved her and her family. It actually made me feel bad to finally learn that she had been embarrassed all that time. She had nothing to be embarrassed about.
Similarly, good friends and family will not judge you on your situation. We are there to be supportive of you and your efforts. Now, if you are sitting around gambling wondering why you don’t have money, this may be a different issue and require a different kind of relief, but on the whole, leave your worries in the dust because you are not your money.
Instead, you are a person who can stand alone completely apart from your checkbook. Focus on what matters.
1) Look around you at all of the things you do have. How can you be bored when you’ve invested in six different hobbies over the past year? (hmm..guitar, knitting, scrapbooking, photography, keyboard, blog, tai chi…yup that’s six, just off the top of my head)
2) Appreciate people.
3) Think of all of the things you enjoy which do not require spending more money. When we worry about money, our minds tend to seize up and we become fixated on what we can’t get–even if we were perfectly fine before the crisis. For example, if your weekday evenings previously consisted of playing a board game, followed by walking the dog, followed by watching Lost, those things can continue (provided you have an affordable cable service)! Nothing need change! All that great stuff is still there.
If, however, your entertainment and everday activities focus on money-zapping activities, here are a few alternatives:
-Instead of hanging out at Barnes and Noble and Blockbuster, try the Public Library for your books and movies.
-Instead of eating out, invite some friends over for a spaghetti night (everyone bring one ingredient).
-Instead of going to the movies, watch one of the Many (and I do mean Many) DVDs you already have.
-Instead of buying the kids junk at Target, take out some toys they haven’t played with in awhile and play with them.
-Instead of investing in a new video game (which will become obsolete as soon as Call of Duty XI comes out), pull out an old one you used to love–or better yet, play a board game.
-Instead of driving, take a walk.
-Instead of going to Six Flags, go to a park or the beach.
-Instead of going on vacation, try a “staycation” (go google it, I’ll blog it later).
-Instead of buying something you don’t need, donate something you don’t need.
-Spend quality time with loved ones. Plan a weekly Game Night. Plan monthly or weekly dinners with friends–and family. Watch DVDs together with popcorn on the couch. Cook together. Play Hide and Seek, Capture the Flag, Sardines, Football. READ.
-Clean your house. Nothing like cleaning to make you realize that you don’t want more stuff.
-Donate your time.
-Call a friend or family member who’s local. Talk for an hour. Better yet, call your Grandma.
-Check out Free Museum days…koretmuseums? Learn about other “free days” and events via your local newspaper. I think SF Chronicle has it in their 96 Hours section every Thursday.
-Or like Cat: Instead of worrying, take a nap in the sun–preferably belly-up.
If you have any more ideas, bring them here and share. This one’s not going away any time soon.